Well, it seems that dearest Matthew felt bad about having me thrown off a clock tower on Halloween. Saint Matthew, in all his holy goodness, has given me a position here at Random Assault writing articles.
This is an insult! I am the spawn of darkness, not some cut-rate games journalist. Oh, I have taken the job, my chocolates, fear not. You will get your precious articles, if you can call this sorry drivel “writing”.
Yes, I have taken this job but little does wonderful Matty know I have only accepted to get closer to him. But now the time is right! Together, you heathens together we will overthrow that chronic masturbator these fools call leader. I will take my place on the throne of Random Assault and bring about the end of existence as is my destiny.
But, as much as it pains me, I cannot do it alone, for Random Assault is (supposedly) a democratic podcast. I hate you all, but in the interest of following the will of the people, I require your votes!
And if you don’t I will murder your entire family.
As your new Cast-Daddy, I promise to uphold and bring honor to the proud *giggle* heritage *snicker* of this podcast, at least until such time as I destroy the world. The incumbent has been soft on crime and defense for far too long. It’s time for real leadership.
I have journeyed into the heart of iTunes. I have listened to real podcasts. They are awful. I have listened to this one. And it’s even worse. If I wasn’t prophesied to bring about the end times, I would have killed myself.
I can change all that. Indulge your darkest fantasies. We can be more than this crude “comedy”. We have a duty to be the ambassadors of both darkness and funk throughout the world. Listeners all over the globe will hear us and tremble in fear.
A vote for me is a vote for chaos and mayhem. A vote for total freedom. Most of all it’s a vote to get rid of Matt, and that alone is worth it, right? And, to sweeten the deal, if you vote for me, you will receive a coupon for one free massage at the Random Assault Rub N Tug, absolutley free.
It is time for change. For a new beginning….at least until The End.
I am the true heir of darkness. Vote SlabFlapper!
And if you don’t, I’ll just assassinate Matt in the break room anyway.