No More Matthew! SlabFlapper for 2012

Well, it seems that dearest Matthew felt bad about having me thrown off a clock tower on Halloween.  Saint Matthew, in all his holy goodness, has given me a position here at Random Assault writing articles.

This is an insult! I am the spawn of darkness, not some cut-rate games journalist.  Oh, I have taken the job, my chocolates, fear not. You will get your precious articles, if you can call this sorry drivel “writing”.

Yes, I have taken this job but little does wonderful Matty know I have only accepted to get closer to him. But now the time is right! Together, you heathens together we will overthrow that chronic masturbator these fools call leader. I will take my place on the throne of Random Assault and bring about the end of existence as is my destiny.

But, as much as it pains me, I cannot do it alone, for Random Assault is (supposedly) a democratic podcast. I hate you all,  but in the interest of following the will of the people, I require your votes!

And if you don’t I will murder your entire family.

As your new Cast-Daddy, I promise to uphold and bring honor to the proud *giggle* heritage *snicker* of this podcast, at least until such time as I destroy the world. The incumbent has been soft on crime and defense for far too long. It’s time for real leadership.

I have journeyed into the heart of iTunes. I have listened to real podcasts. They are awful. I have listened to this one. And it’s even worse. If I wasn’t prophesied to bring about the end times, I would have killed myself.

I can change all that. Indulge your darkest fantasies. We can be more than this crude “comedy”. We have a duty to be the ambassadors of both darkness and funk throughout the world. Listeners all over the globe will hear us and tremble in fear.

A vote for me is a vote for chaos and mayhem. A vote for total freedom. Most of all it’s a vote to get rid of Matt, and that alone is worth it, right? And, to sweeten the deal, if you vote for me, you will receive a coupon for one free massage at the Random Assault Rub N Tug, absolutley free.

It is time for change. For a new beginning….at least until The End.

I am the true heir of darkness. Vote SlabFlapper!

And if you don’t, I’ll just assassinate Matt in the break room anyway.

slabflapper, randoma assault, articles, vote, funny, assassination

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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5 Responses to No More Matthew! SlabFlapper for 2012

  1. Lady Ladington and Mr Man says:

    You can’t have one without the other , if you kill Mat you’ll die as well

  2. I vote for a an interesting future. Slabflapper for cast-daddy! I always really liked your style.

  3. drewarbo says:

    Damn you slobflopper.

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