Random Assault Reads Bad, Bad Bunny Trouble

Oh, hello, gentle reader. I didn’t see you come in. Good gracious, you look awful cold. Why don’t you have a seat by the fire and a cup of hot chocolate?

You’ve made it just in time for today’s story. Get comfortable….


Sorry, I can get a little overeager sometimes.

Today, we have a very special book. It’s one my mother used to read to me. This is Bad, Bad Bunny Trouble. I hope you enjoy.

Yup, there’s the book.

Yeah, fuck sisters! Well, I mean, not fuck sisters…unless you like that kind of thing. I like this Ralph already. Now wait just a minute, why does he need to get dressed? He’s a fucking rabbit. Is “rats” a racial slur in this world?

Man, his mom is a bitch. SHE’S DOING A NAZI SALUTE FOR FUCKS SAKES. Presumably, the coffee cake tastes like coffee, Ralph.  Goddamn that’s a pimp bowtie.

And I agree, birthdays are lame .

No, trust me, Ralph, you don’t want coffee ca—-OH MY GOD HE SPAT ON IT. No wonder his mother is a goddamn nazi! Imagine having to deal with this little shit on a daily basis. Go on Mama Rabbit, smack that boy upside the head!

SHE LOCKS HER CHILD IN THE ATTIC?? What kind of fucked up family is this? Someone call Child Services!

Screams? Ominous chanting? Jesus Christ, what the fuck now?! Is it the Death Eaters?

Oh, my god. Mad Max mutant foxes! And, what, they just pillage the countryside eating people? Clearly there’s at least a bunny society. Are there no police or armed forces?

Okay, so the Nazi-Jew-Bunnies go hide in the basement from the murderous predators, and the mother forgets about her son? He’s right fucking there, lady! Are you blind?


Maybe she’s just so sick of dealing with him it’s like yeah, foxes. You can have him. He is dead to us already. He spat on the fucking coffee cake.

RALPH! Now that’s what I like to see. Some Watership Down up in this piece. I think I know what comes next…

Also, that was the rabbit community’s only source of food for the year. They will all starve to death this winter. Way to go, Ralph.

Now what’s happening? You pissed a bunch of foxes off. You egged them, dumped paint on them… You don’t know the meaning of “playing with fire”, do you? They’re probably gonna forget about the attic window, break down the door, use their noses to find your family’s Holocaust hidey-hole, and do some murderin’.

OH HOLY SHIT I GUESSED RIGHT! I don’t know how useful that soccer ball’s going to be, though. I mean, who sees a soccer ball and thinks, “Oh, a soccer ball. Someone must be in mortal peril”? Ten to one that ball gets ignored, Ralph.

Also those foxes actually look pretty good in all that paint and egg goo.

Oh, my god, that poor pig. Something fell out of a chicken’s asshole directly onto his head. What if that egg was fertilized? That’s like a teen mom having a miscarriage on your face. I hope there’s animal therapists in this universe.

Fell on….fell on what? A pizza? A transsexual hooker? An aardvark? A transsexual hooker eating pizza with an aardvark? With the candlestick in the study?

God damn it, Hans Wilhelm. Truly you are a master of suspense. You put Hitchcock to shame. This story could go anywhere from here.

Guys. Guys. Guys. Shit’s about to get real. You don’t even know.

Well, actually no, Ralph, Brutus did it. You just stood there and watched.

Nope, no one else!

Okay, so let me get this straight, Ralph acts like a complete dick all fuckin’ afternoon, and even manages to steal his sister’s birthday party for himself. I must learn this voodoo….

And all the fucking kids threw up all over the place.

The End.

Well, that was a lot of fun, wasn’t it? You know, as much fun as it is to read with a friend, you can also have a great time reading on your own! But don’t take my word for it, check it out for yourself!

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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