The Top 5 Porn Annoyances

Let’s face it, we all like porn. Everyone likes porn. Anyone who says they don’t is lying. “Oh, I don’t watch porn, I just read erotic fiction and hentai…” Guess what, kids? That’s porn.

As wonderful as porn is, when you watch as much of it as I do, you develop a distinguished porn palate, and a lot of the standard porn tropes get downright annoying.

Warning: This article contains adult material that is inappropriate for anyone under the age of consent.  Young ‘uns, go away.

El Gore

Despite being the most offensive thing on this list, I’m placing this entry in the number five spot because this isn’t a complaint about the porn itself, it’s where the porn is. Let me paint you a picture. There you are, sitting in front of your computer, no doubt surfing this fine webzone, when the sight of Matt shirtless causes a tingle in your nether regions.

So you unzip, and pull out whatever kind of privates you happen to have. Now what? Do you use your imagination like a gorram heathen? Hell no! You run a Google search for porn! ALL the porn!

You find a free gallery that looks nice, and as you scroll through it, your heart begins to beat faster, your breathing is heavier..Oh, God, you think to yourself. That’s so hot. I’m gonna cu—

You scroll down once more, and there’s a picture of dead children, victims of a suicide bombing or car accident.

And there goes your boner. The afternoon is ruined.

Who the fuck does that? WHY? This really baffles me completely. Even in fairly normal, vanilla (ish) porn galleries, I keep finding things like this. After pages upon pages of enjoyable smut, you’ve let your guard (and your pants) down and then BAM! Entrails! Who the hell puts these galleries together? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?

The Men

Everyone knows that outside of The Big Gay, the porn is all about the ladies. That’s what most people cum come for. And that’s great. I appreciate the female form as much as the next bisexual tranny. But the men of porn, goddamn, THE MEN. Why are they all such ugly-ass motherfuckers? I mean I know 90% of the time the spotlight’s not really on them, but why’s it so hard to find some man candy?

Case in point.

Even when they don’t look like Mario after a weekend in Vegas, the men of porn often fall into distinct types of ugly. There’s the Old Bald Guy

The Hairy Guy:

The Asshole With the Baseball Cap:

And the list goes on! Honestly, who in the world would have sex with any of these douchebags? Even in gay porn, where you’d think attractive men would be a priority, you get shit like this. Come on, ladies and gentlemen, have some taste.

The Casting Couch

Yeah, that one.

The use of the “casting couch” has to be one of the most annoying cliches in all of porn. You have the girl or boy, sitting on the couch pretending to be all bashful while some geriatric porn producer who can’t act fucks around with the camcorder and asks about their sexual history.

There will be giggles and claims of virginity, that they’ve never shot a naughty video before, but sure enough they want to be in porn, and wouldn’t you know it, if they want a part in the movie, they have to, uh… “impress” the producer first.

Bitch, please.

Show of hands: Who actually believes those actors are new to porn, let alone virgins? No one? Didn’t think so. Congratulations, your brain works!

Now, I know that porn is first and foremost a fantasy, and that some people enjoy seeing someone’s (allegedly) first time. That’s fine. But we know those people aren’t innocent, the actors know it, the fuckhat with the camera knows it, and yet they continue to produce this garbage.

I'm waiting

It’d be fine if it was over with quickly, but no, they’ve got to stretch it out for ten or fifteen fucking minutes. You’re not fooling anybody, just get to the fuckin’.

Pre-Coital Panting

The Men of Porn make their second appearance on this list with the horrendous ear-fuckery I call pre-coital panting. We’ve all heard it.  Someone takes off their top and our man starts panting and ooh-ing like a dead wrestler in heat.

Ooh, Hulk Hogan, yeah...

What the hell, guys? There’s no way a professional porn actor can be this excited simply over a bare nipple. Surely that line of work would desensitize you to that sort of thing. Sometimes the mere sight of their sex-partner-to-be is enough to start them making noises like Peter Griffin skinned his knee

Come on! I’m desensitized to that sort of thing, and I’ve never been in porn that was released to the public. There’s no need for it. I can understand in the heat of the moment, but for ten minutes before the moment? WHILE INTERVIEWING SOMEONE ON THE CASTING COUCH?!

It’s a small thing, but it really ruins the viewing experience. If you don’t mind, porn guys, I would like to fap without some tool-muffin breathing heavily in my ear before they’ve even removed their socks.

Urgh.

Amateurs That Aren’t, and Other Falsehoods

With the widespread popularity of the various porny YouTube knockoffs, people all over the globe are performing unspeakable acts for our entertainment, right from their very own homes.

I think this is just wonderful. Porn-making is now an attainable goal for everyone. No matter where you live or what you look like, if you wanna show your stuff for the camera, you can find a place for it.

But, to no one’s surprise, the professional porn industry has taken notice, and now the streaming porn sites, and indeed the whole internet, right down to the most innocuous of Google image searches, is bursting at the seams with steamy sex purporting to be “amateur”.

Uh huh. Right.

I’m sorry, porn, but I know enough about film-making to know that nine times out of ten, amateur does not look like that. Porn or not. A horny couple from Idaho will probably not have the technical know-how or skill to have professional lighting and a multi-camera setup. I have no problem at all with professionally made erotica, but porn, don’t fucking lie to me.

The reason this is a big deal is because human sexuality covers such a broad spectrum of activities and tastes. What one person finds arousing  is considered horribly disgusting by someone else. As such, I feel that we have a duty to label our porn correctly. Don’t tell me it’s amateur when it’s not. Don’t tell me it’s an anal video when it’s really a piss-party. And for the love of God don’t tell me it’s gay when it’s actually trans.

AAARRGH.

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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4 Responses to The Top 5 Porn Annoyances

  1. Pry0citerJohn says:

    Great article guys!! Keep ’em coming!! Can’t wait for the episodes to start again.

  2. MrSuitMan says:

    You know, it’s every artist’s dream to have his work badly photoshopped to cover a man’s hairy-ass junk. You guys have made that possible. Thank you.

  3. CancerMan says:

    Hmm, I’ve never encountered the first entry.

  4. Number one – Especially when the “amateur” is in the “related videos” tab clearly looking much younger. Fuckin’ stupid

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