How to Have Sex With Your Butt: A Beginner’s Guide

For some strange reason, I seem to be thought of as well-versed in the strange and wondrous ways of anal sex. I can’t for the life of me imagine why, adventurous citrus fruit notwithstanding.

Eventually, some of you get curious, and want to embark on some of your very own anal adventures. So you come to me for advice, which I happily dispense in graphic detail. Even then, you cretins still get it wrong. So, today, I’ll break down the process step by step, day by day, in the simplest English possible.

Find Your Butt

The first and most important step in having sex with your butt is knowing where it is. Your butt is usually quite easy to find, but sometimes it can be tricky. First, find your genitals. If you cannot do that, I suggest you pay a visit to Mr Papayanopulos in Masturbation 101 down the hall.

Once you’ve located your private parts, move your hands (without raising them) around your back. Your should feel two fat deposits there. Yours may be either firm or squishy, depending on your level of physical fitness. These are known as “butt cheeks” by the medical community. (See fig. A)

Between these “butt cheeks” there should be a crack. Feel inside the crack and somewhere near the middle there should be an opening. Congratulations, you’ve found your butt!

If you are having trouble, you can ask a friend or parent to help!

Make Sure There is No Poop in the Butt

Making sure there is no poop in the butt is one of the most essential steps in having an enjoyable time playing with it.

“But, Miss Reilly!” you protest. “Butts are gross! They are always full of poop, and they smell!”

Not so, nameless student! Fear not. There need not be poop,  and a properly maintained butt will not smell. Now, if you recall, back when you were two or three, your parents should have taught you how to use the bathroom instead of your pants. As part of this rigorous training, we learned to recognize what it feels like when we need to go. The same skill applies here.

If you do not feel like you need to go, you should have some room inside your butt. Most people have 7 to 9 inches before hitting the poop reserve tanks, and if you need this guide that should be more than enough space.

But we always want to be sure, don’t we? The easiest way to to this is called an enema. This means passing warm water into and out of the butt until it comes out clean. I know that might scare some of you, but rest assured it is not uncomfortable. In this age of modern wizardry, you can even administer one from your own home! No more back alley butt-cleanings!

To achieve this, you can purchase a home enema kit, in both disposable and reusable forms. You can use a turkey baster or plastic syringe (WITHOUT THE NEEDLE!), and advanced students may even unscrew the shower head and use the hose with the water on very low for extra depth. (fig. B)

A diet high in fruits and vegetables can also keep things running smoothly.

Make Sure Your Butt is Slippery

Now that your butt is clean, you need to make it slippery so that things can move in and out with minimal resistance and pain. If you do not do this and are an inexperienced buttfapper, you will very likely hurt yourself and your butt will be sad.

There are a wide variety of substances you can use to lubricate yourself. Store-bought personal lubricants are the best, though if you’re too shy you can use other household substances like  lotion, baby oil, hand cream, and so forth. Do NOT use soap or shampoo. It will burn. Crisco also works quite well if you have nothing else available. Ask your mom if you can borrow some!

Find Something to Put in the Butt

Now comes the best part! You’ll need to find something to put in your butt. Sex toys like dildos, plugs, and beads are a lot of fun, but if you don’t have any of those, all is not lost! Look around the house and use your imagination! Just makes sure to stay away from things with sharp edges or a heartbeat, as well as things that are made of glass.

I have created a handy table to help you out:

Since you are just a beginner make sure it is something small, yet large enough to stretch you a little. This way your butt will get accustomed to larger things,  if you so desire. Don’t over estimate what you can handle; going too big too fast can result in injury and pain, and we’re here to have good clean wholesome fun!

If you are going to put a penis into your butt, you might like to warm up with a couple fingers first. Make sure to always use a condom. Plastic wrap and a rubber band does not count.

Have Fun

I’ll leave actual fapping technique up to each of you. Whatever works best. I will leave you with a couple of tips:

Once you have found something to put in your butt, go slowly and give yourself time to get used to the feeling and relax.

If you are using fingers, consider trimming your nails. Scratches hurt!

Move up in size very gradually, and only when you are ready.

Always use lubrication. While your butt will begin to self lubricate after a few minutes, it will still need help. Too much is better than too little.

If you are using a condom make sure your lube is not oil-based, or it could break.

For the gentlemen and trans ladies, prostate stimulation can be very pleasurable. This is a gland you can feel about a finger’s length in on the wall of the rectum nearest the genitals.

If you STILL need help, you are all free to leave a comment, send a carrier pigeon, or message me on Skype, Facebook, or Twitter. So, remember, be safe and have fun!

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
This entry was posted in Articles, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to How to Have Sex With Your Butt: A Beginner’s Guide

  1. Jaymazing (totally not Jayson) says:

    BUTT PENETRATION
    SERIOUS BIZ YO’

    Good work, Kate

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s