The Top 5 Worst Sex Positions (and Places!)

So for some reason over the last week or so, I seem to have become RA’s very own Carrie Bradshaw. Sex in the Shithole, coming this fall to HBO.

Today, I’m back with another filthy list you will have to hide from your boss!

On a recent porn harvest, it struck me that a lot of the positions and places people have sex in porn are just plain impractical. In my list of porn annoyances,I glossed over it because it’s not irritating to watch, exactly, but it does make you scratch your head wondering about the logistics of such feats of acrobatics. They might work on film, but try them in real life, and you will end up in a wheelchair.

The Shower

Having sex in the shower might seem like a sensual wonderland, the steam, the warm water running down your bodies; getting clean while you get dirty, as it were.

Looks great on film, very sexy, but success really hinges on two criteria:

  • Are you thin and attractive?
  • Are you fortunate enough to have a spacious shower?

If the answer to either of these questions is no, you are shit outta luck. I can tell you from experience two fat kids crammed into the tiny shower of a one-bedroom apartment is going to cause problems. I had a mark on my rear from the faucet for weeks.

Nope.

It might seem like a good idea in your horny reptile brain, but the only thing regular people will achieve is a hernia and a costly plumber’s bill.

The Wheelbarrow

The wheelbarrow is one of those sex positions that doesn’t even look good on porn. This is just utterly ridiculous. And really, who the hell comes up with this stuff? Has anyone in the history of forever EVER done this without cameras rolling and a paycheck in hand?

For those of you who ate a lot of paste in school, the wheelbarrow is where the penis/strap-on partner is standing up, holding the receptive partner upside down by their ankles at a 45° angle, much like one would hold the handles of a wheelbarrow. Well, kinda.

This guy sucks. Lift the other leg, kiddo!

As you can see, there’s no way that can feel good. Maybe the top will be okay with standing the whole time, but for the bottom? You’re being held upside down, blood rushing to your head, and unless you’ve got strong arms or your partner has a hair trigger your arms are gonna go numb and start to buckle and give out. So then your entire body weight is on your face, and if you don’t purposely suffocate yourself on your pillow just to end it all, you’re gonna be left with the neck of Stephen Hawking.  Meanwhile, the knucklehead on top keeps thrusting away, completely oblivious.

The Pinwheel

Sigh. Cosmo. That monthly repository of bullshit sex advice pulled straight out of the editors’ asses and onto the overpriced page. I’ll admit to reading it myself in my younger days, enticed by the promises of arcane sexual knowledge I would have no need of for years. Even then I knew it was bullshit.

Today, Cosmo brings us a sex position so fucking stupid, I’ve never even seen it in porn. Ladies and gentlemen, the pinwheel.

Do you know what’s going on here? I sure as hell don’t. They’ve turned the beautiful act of fucking into something resembling a horrible giant spider. This might not look too bad, until you realize that these people are supposed to be lying on their sides. What the hell?  How is that even possible? Are the suspended from a fuck-swing? Do they have the balance of a Cirque du Soleil troupe?

So yeah, both partners are apparently lying on their sides, with their legs hooked around each other or something. This looks like it could last all of four seconds before they tumble over the side of the bed, unable to extricate themselves from one another.

The Piledriver

Oh, boy. There’s just no physical way this can be comfortable. The piledriver is a lot like the wheelbarrow, only there’s no one holding you up. Faye from AssSmoothie.com will demonstrate:

So, in addition to neck pain, your entire body is collapsed on itself like  a damn accordion Good luck breathing! Under normal circumstances the penisy-partner would stand behind her and kind of crouch/squat to do their thing. However, today, Faye here is going to have a smoothie poured up her butt, which she will then squirt back out and drink. Bottoms up, indeed.

69

Yes, really. I know it’s a classic and a running joke on playgrounds all over the world. But guess what? It’s a really, really stupid way of doing things. I don’t care how many high-fives bros have given one another over it.

It’s the worst for straight couples. Men generally orgasm faster than women. Boys, I don’t want to see any comments bragging about your stamina and prowess, that’s just the way it is. So put yourself in the woman’s position. You’re blowing away, your boy has his happy ending, but you’re not there yet. So either you’re left hanging, you need to change positions anyway, or you are  left with a man’s hairy asshole hovering an inch above your forehead while he tries valiantly to get you off.

Not gonna happen any more, is it? Oral sex is great, but if you ask me, one at a time is the way to go.

Even for gay and lesbian couples it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. The lying-side-by-side version is at least a little better than one lying on top of the other, but even so, synchronous orgasm is very rare, and at least one person is going to be left with a face full of sweaty crotch and nothing to do. Awesome.

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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One Response to The Top 5 Worst Sex Positions (and Places!)

  1. Sorry, you’re opinion wrong, 69 is the best. I’ve never had the problems you speak of (and I’mnotJUST talking about my stamina) But ifI could do something, it would be that all the time.

    You’re opinion is the most wrong because I disagree and therefore you aren’tallowed to have any opinions ever again not even for the sake of comedy. Also,the internet.

    -Alex

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