Video games have been lying to us for years. As kids, we all thought that seaweed was electrifying, that we could jump on bullets to stop them and that if we murdered our friends we could get all their knowledge and abilities. Just me? Whatever. Point is, we’ve gotten used to being lyed to for the sake of fun. But sometimes games take it to a point that you can’t overlook.
A popular video game trope is the idea of a beggar sitting around in his own flith asking for the coins, rings, caps, ludder or whatever that you just spent all your time jumping throught the sky and massacring wildlife trying to collect. But there’s one thing these bastards aren’t telling you: THEY’RE FUCKING PHONIES!!! Something I learned pretty quickly from gaming is that every beggar is a goddamn liar. Now, the beggars in question here don’t count if you can’t give them anything. So even if they “Have NOTHING” or are just there to run over with a tank, they aren’t going in this article.
1. Ivor Beggar – Viva Pinata (360)
In a game that’s devoted completely to beauty, it only seems natural to include a smelly, ragged homeless person. After level 12, this cocksucker periodically shuffles into your garden to stink up the place, sniff around and then hobble away probably to go sleep in a pool of his own urine. The only option you have to interract with this guy is to give him your hard-earned chocolate coins. After generously donating 1,000 coins, this fucker opens up his own shop with some of the rarest items in the game!
Wait… how much is a chocolate coin in real money? Well, a fancy, health food store apple can cost you about $2. In Viva Pinata, it’s worth 20 chocolate coins. That’s ten percent. This means that all we had to do was give this guy $100 and he had enough extra money to open a store that sells multitudes of pirate cutlass statues worth 11,000 chocolate coins and a shovel head that can stop the goddamn Grim Reaper! That son-of-a-bitch just shit all over himself and limped around MY garden so I’d feel bad only to return home to check how his Swiss bank account is doing offscreen. Fuck you!
2. “Beggar”- The Binding of Isaac (PC, MAC)
This pathetic little bitch has sunken so low on the totem poll that he’s got no hope other than to beg for pennies from hunks of meat, headless corpses, and pus boils in abandoned basements, dank caves and even an obese woman’s womb.
Naturally you’d think that something as depraved as that would mean he’s fucked. Well, actually, next to the shop keeper, he’s the most well-off down there! He’s a great way to get some of the most useful upgrades in the game for coins. Sure, you can buy from shops or go the arcade, but the shops are hit or miss and the arcades only have upgrades for making flies not so hostile towards you.
All you have to do is give this guy pennies. Nothing more. Sometimes he’ll spew out normal items like keys and hearts, but sometimes he’ll give you health upgrades, weapon upgrades, damage upgrades; he’s packed! Dude, open a shop! Clearly you don’t NEED to be begging for pennies, just sell the stuff. It’s less of a headache to pick and choose and less rage-inducing to think about you being in dangerous, hell-ridden world with all these upgrades and you’re pretending to be pathetic. STOP FAKING!
3. Bird Beggar – “Sphinx: Curse of the Mummy” (XBOX, PS2)
You’ll say a lot of things while playing Sphinx: “Oh, what an interresting concept used for banal platforming” or “Aw, they tried to set up a sequel that’ll NEVER happen.How embarrassing!” But the thing that applies to this article will be something along the line of ” I just gave a bunch of gold-plated insects to an egyptian, hippie bird.” This smug little prick is just hanging out resting on a pile of dirt trying to mooch his way to wealth.
Whether he’s ACTUALLY poor or not is besides the point. He’ll ask you if you can spare some golden scarabs. You can either give him 2 or 10 (for some weird reason,) but if you go that extra mile and give him 30 (again, why should you have to talk to him 3 times for that,) he’ll give you a golden anch. The anch’s are used as magic relics that give you more health in “Sphinx” so that fact that this guy just HAS it is pretty fucking amazing. Something that should either be in a shamain hut, museum, or death labrynth really shouldn’t be something this guy has,let alone give away for 30 scarabs. I tried to calculate how much scarabs would be in real life, but this game tends to sell a lot of monsters and the clostest I could get to that was a pet store.
4. – “Beggar” – The Legend of Zelda : Ocarina of Time (N64)
This guy is a bit different from the other entries in the fact that he’s been named “Beggar” by the fan base and that he doesn’t want any money. This guy is desperate to get someone to sell him things with “C” even if it kills him. Now, to normal people, that means he wants you to sell him “cookies” or “cake” or “counterfeit M203 grenade launcher with an M4 rifle attachment.” But no, he’s breaking the fourth all by telling you to use the C Buttons to sell him things. The reason I classify him as a Beggar is because he looks so pathetic. We just NEEDS you to sell him anything that you have. He doesn’t even care. The annoying thing, though, is the amount of money he actually gives you. You can get up to 300 rupees from this guy! Dude, just go to a fucking store. There are plenty around. Stop pretending like you so sad and worthless when you have hundreds of ruppees to give away for a bottle of goddamn milk I just bought for 10!
You know, the store I got from isn’t that far away and I only paid 10 ruppees for it. Maybe you should have thought about this from a feduciary perspective ust a little bit before taking to the streets begging for sales and throwing your ungodly amount of money into people’s faces.
When it comes to beggars in games, your best bet is to just pour all your cash into them because they are probablly faking it and are rich as shit under those tattered rags.
They usually have somesort of secret item or give you upgrades or Exp or something. Rich bastards.
In fact, the only people who seem to do beggars properly is Bethesta who has their miserable peasants in Fallout 3 only give you good karma for charity and the beggars from Oblivion dishing out mere information, minimal help and,most importantly, diseases. BONUS!
So remember, next time you see a homeless person on the street begging for change, KICK THEM! THEY ARE LYING!!!!!!!