Top Ten Worst, Most Christmas-Ruining, Shit Wreaths of Music Christmas Songs

Random Assault, Christmas, bad, horrible,terrible, song, music,awful Alex, Matt, Mitch, Tony, Kate, Drew, Video Game, Beggar, Money, Rich, Filth, Liar, cash, poorWith the season upon us and the Christmas loops playing at every store, restaurant and AIRPORT, I thought I’d take the time to list out my top ten most hated Christmas songs. The rules are simple, they have to be songs that you can turn on the radio and hear and not some random ass Christmas song from a band you like. They also have to piss me off.

10. “Last Christmas”

This song is stupid. Plain and simple. But why is it so low on the list? Well, it NOT a Christmas song. This is clearly the most shameless attempt to make a shitty song into a Christmas song by saying something happened on Christmas… and it worked. This is just another lame-ass “you broke my heart and I’m gonna find someone better” song with no thought or point. It could easily just be “Last Wednesday I gave you my heart” but no. No, it had to promote itself as a damn Christmas song and the world ate it up. It’s on the list cause I hate it. It’s so low because it’s not a damn Christmas song!!!

9. “Jingle Bell Rock”

Oh Alex. This song is loads of fun. It’s a rockin’ variation of a Christmas song. You should like it. Well, yes, this is true. It’s got a nice little riff to it and some renditions are quite amusing. But there’s a reason it’s here and there’s a reason it’s so low. You see, when I was a kid, I saw the Pee Wee’s Christmas special. KD Lang took it upon herself to perform this song and ruined it for me forever. Every time I hear this song, all I can think of is her awful, AWFUL version and it’s tainted my ability to enjoy it forever. Especially that last, pseudo-operatic falsetto she does at the ending. Bitch.

YOU tell me this is good  –

8. “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer”

Yep. I hate one of the most iconic and over-played Christmas songs in history. Why? Because it’s the most iconic and over-played Christmas songs in history. I’m just so sick of it. It’s not that great and yet, I have to hear it more than anything else on Christmas. A million different versions. ENOUGH! We get it, everyone hates him he’s a freak. Lynch  him and let’s get it over with!

7. “Silver Bells”

Silver Bells. Hear them Ring. Bells ring. These are bells. These are ringing. There, now you don’t have to listen to 5 minutes of some droning schmuck to get the concept. This song isn’t catchy. It isn’t fun. It isn’t even cheerful. It’s just painful. Now, I’m moving on before I fall the fuck asleep and this becomes a top 4 because of a deprivation of tempo!

6. “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”

This is another one of those songs that tries SO HARD to be sweet but just comes off as droning. It’s not even the verse that drives me nuts. I can suck it up for the most part. But it’s that one line “Though it’s been said many time, many ways Merry Christmas to you.” I hate it. Something about the most well-known version; the way it’s sung just fills me with mush. It’s also basically outright saying that the song doesn’t need to exist. It’s been said so many times already. Go sit next to the silver bells you stupid chestnuts!

5. “Silent Night”

This is the longest song in the history of music. The SECOND I hear that opening line (which takes about fifteen seconds to get out) I know I’m in for torture. Why is this song taking so long to get this point across and why is it that these past three songs have all been so slow? You know, you can make a slow song have rhythm and be catchy. It’s VERY possible. Ever hear “Moonlight Sonata?” I guess not. Whatever. I don’t want my rant to be longer than the song itself. Then again, in order to do that, I’d have to type my finger down to my elbows.

4. “The Little Drummer Boy”

Remember when I said that “Silent Night” was the longest song in the world? Well, it still is. But if you put “Pa rumpa pum pum” in between every verse, that would make any song longer than “Silent Night.” Little Drummer boy doesn’t NOT know what the hell it’s trying to say. It’s a simple (and admittedly sweet) concept of a poor boy brining baby Jesus music because that’s all he can afford. This song can’t seem to get to the point with it, though. It’s like a kid who’s not paying attention in class and the teacher calls on them to answer and he keeps saying “ummmmmm.” Just, sing. Get to the point and run with it. If you didn’t you’d have a very heart warming song. But no, instead you have a bucket of monotone choir singers and a repeating line that makes you sound like a special person playing with a bongo.

3. “Feed the World”

UGH! I just found out about this song and it already makes me wish I didn’t know what sound was. For those who don’t know, this song was a ploy to get people to guilt people on Christmas to feed starving children. Fair enough. Feed the kids. I’m not against that. But to get all of these famous singers together to write a song with lyrics that seemed to be written by starving children is an insult to music. The beat is awful. There’s NO rhythm to be found until “FEeeeeeEEEeeeEEED Theeeeeeeeee WOOOOOooOROoOWROROORLD.” It reminds me of “We’re sending out love down the well” from the Simpsons… Only that song actually seemed like someone took the time to write it! If you care that much, effort helps… A LOT! Shit, I could write a whole NEW article about why this song sucks… which I may do. But not around Christmas because this song shouldn’t be anywhere NEAR Christmas. Fuck you Bono.

2. “Christmas Shoes”

No Link… This song will kill you.

This is the worst song ever written. No seriously. It’s not poorly written. The music is peaceful and full. But this song sucks every ounce of happiness from Christmas to everyone who listens to it immediately every Christmas. When I think of Christmas, I think of happiness, joy, family and peace. This song is miserable. If you haven’t heard it, DON’T. I warning you DON’T. You’ll be dreading every Christmas montage for the rest of your life in fear that this song will play and ruin the season forever. Luckily, this year, I have not heard it. It’s been the best Christmas.

1.”Dominick the GODDAMN, stupid asshole, shit fuck of a Christmas Donkey”

I HATE THIS SONG! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT! It’s annoying. It’s not catchy. It’s not fun to listen to or sing. You can’t even sing along without sounding more retarded than the Chorus from “Little Drummer Boy!” Fuck this song. Fuck it forever. I hate it, hate it, hate it and that’s all I have to say. It deserves nothing less.

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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3 Responses to Top Ten Worst, Most Christmas-Ruining, Shit Wreaths of Music Christmas Songs

  1. SerpentineZero says:

    I actually agree with Little Drummer Boy, i can’t stand that one.

  2. michael DOMINIC siraco says:

    Why you gotta be racist, brah.

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