The 5 Most Irritating Game Characters (According to Me)

You know, when you’re making a work of fiction, it’s important to have characters the audience can relate to, or at the very least enjoy watching, especially in longer works.

These motherfuckers right here fail at that in every way possible, and instead of making me invest in the story, they make me want to smash my own face in with a bag full of lead chestnuts and swallow a roll of electrical tape.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Oh, and these entries will probably contain spoilers.

Zeke (inFamous)

So this stupid asshole is supposedly Cole McGeneric’s very best friend in Sucker Punch’s incredibly bland superhero game. Right from the start all he does is whine about his situation while not actually doing anything about it.

In fact, a good portion of the early part of the game is Zeke trying to profit from Cole’s abilities, lounging about on their rooftop hangout trying to pick up women and ordering the player around to make his greasy little life that much more comfortable. He’s not a friend, he’s only in it for himself.

I think what they were going for here is the cool, but morally ambiguous best friend. What they came up with is what Michael Madsen would look like if he spent his whole life working on mufflers. His appearance just screams chlamydia.

I didn’t like inFamous very much to begin with, but having this twat yammering on in my ear every ten seconds when I’m trying to fight evil hobos just made it that much worse. By the end of the game, when it’s revealed that he’s betrayed you, that was the last straw. I wanted this fucker dead. But no, Cole lets him off pretty easy in the cutscene and in-game he’s invulnerable.

Zeke is the only standout in inFamous‘ cast of generic, bland, predictable characters, but that’s only because he inspires such seething hatred. Do not play inFamous, people, if only to avoid subjecting yourself to this southern menace.

The Fat Purple Thing (Super Mario Galaxy 2)

Proving that you don’t need voice acting to be an annoying fuck, we have the purple hermaphrodite from Super Mario Galaxy 2.

I think it’s supposed to be a Luma, but the blue harlequin tights just throw me off. What the fuck, person of indeterminate gender? Did you escape from the circus galaxy? What’s with the glowing knob on your head? Is it mating season?

No. No I will not.

You would think you could safely ignore him most of the time. After all, he just hangs out on the Maro-head-ship-thing just quietly being creepy. But if you lose all your lives, die a lot on one galaxy, or play for any extended period of time, up he pops with that child molester grin, demanding that you take a break.

No. Fuck you, purple thing. I have the controller. The ship is shaped like my fucking face. I make the rules here. I will take a break when I damn well please. I know this is a result of Nintendo’s love of harassing you for enjoying their products, but why not just have a text box? An unobtrusive pop up would surely be preferable to this waste of polygons.

I hope Galaxy 3 opens with him being marooned in some desolate galaxy with a shovel and a pistol with a single Bullet Bill in the chamber.

NUMBER 3Those Two Fucks (Madworld)

I’m not anywhere near finished with Madworld and already I want to turn the voice acting off. I can’t because I’d miss out on The Black MuthaFuckin’ Baron (stop starin’), but it’s come oh so close.

It’s all because of the two (as-yet?) unseen commentators for Madworld’s bloodsport, played by Bender Bending Rodriguez and that asshole from the podrace.

I assume this is what they look like.

Madworld is a stupid, stupid game as it is. As amusing as I find the Black Baron, it iis incredibly dumb character. I like the Sin City visuals, but that’s about the only impressive thing about this game. It’s a thoroughly obnoxious testosterone-fest that’s not even particularly fun, made all the worse by these two bozos taking valiant but futile stabs at humour incessantly. It’s clearly an attempt to be edgy, but their jokes are so awful and over the top even Dane Cook wouldn’t touch that shit.

Thankfully, you can drown them out with the sounds of your chainsaw and the screams of your enemies.

The Brahs (Haze)

I hated just about every minute I spent with Haze. It was just very generic and boring and everything had this sickly yellow-orange tint to it. Bleh.

One of the worst things about that mess is the squad of Mantel soldiers you’re partnered up with at the beginning of the game.

Originality, ladies and gentlefiucks.

They are everything I imagine fans of Halo multiplayer to be: boorish, crude, obnoxious, homophobic, sexist knuckleheads with not two brain cells between them. I get that that was the point. They were supposed to be brahs. They were supposed to be jock-like frat fucks, but that doesn’t make them easier to put up with. In fact, it almost makes it worse, because not only are they annoying,  it was done on purpose. I understand what Free Radical was going for, but they could have handled it a lot better.

Thankfully, after the game’s well-known twist, these shitfuckers serve as bosses, and pumping them full of bullets is probably the most satisfying thing Haze has to offer. Too bad everything else still sucks.

Exposition Owl (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

Yeah, an Ocarina entry on a list of irritating characters that isn’t Navi. She didn’t make the list cause I don’t hate her. She honestly never bothered me that much. Sorry to disappoint.

Who did bother me is this wiseass owl who shows up to deliver mind-numbing exposition and tutorials. His only useful contribution to the game is to give you a ride down to the bottom of Death Mountain.

Everyone remembers their first steps out onto Hyrule field, that seemingly endless countryside full of adventure. You’ve toiled away in the Deku Tree for hours and now it’s time for some well-earned freedom.

Oh, wait, no, it’s that fucking owl.

His whole purpose in life is to slow the game to a halt and to force you to flick through seven thousand dialogue boxes. Also, he can flip his head upside down and it’s creepy. I fucking hate him.

Please don't.

As if interrupting the game to deliver hints that anyone with a first grade education could have deduced on their own wasn’t bad enough, when he’s done,he asks if you want to hear it again. No! Of course not! Who in their right minds would want to hear that again? JUST FUCK OFF.

But of course, at this point in the owl’s four-hour filibuster, you’ve gotten so used to mashing A to get it over with as quickly as possible that you don’t notice the option and hit “Yes” before you can do anything to stop it. And the torture begins anew.

If you somehow get through the second loop without killing yourself, the next time you get the option, the order of the dialogue choices will most likely be reversed. This owl actively tries to trick you into listening to him over and over and over. This isn’t just Nintendo’s usual hand-holding. This is a deliberate attempt to trap you in an endless loop of text boxes. I’ll take Navi any day.

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Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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One Response to The 5 Most Irritating Game Characters (According to Me)

  1. CancerMan says:

    Totally agree with the number one; I also didn’t mind Navi too much, but that fucking owl!

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