Weird Search String Roundup: January 2012

Welcome to the first of our monthly search string roundups, where I dive into the dark recesses of our site stats to bring you the weird and wonderful things you, the readers, have typed into a search engine. Weird and wonderful things that somehow lead you here.

I’m all for diversity. To each their own, you know? But some of you guys’ internet habits fucking scare me. I can only surmise that at least 60% of the traffic on our posts are very disappointed perverts.

Real Looking Unicorn

The number of times you guys have plugged this into Google is just astounding. Even more astounding is the number of times that search string seems to have led you irrevocably….here. What? My avatar reminds me of The Architect from The Matrix Reloaded. Let me have my fun.

I can only guess that most of you are 7-12 year old girls, effeminate boys, or intersexed individuals who identify with a more feminine identity. Let me give you some sad news, boils and ghouls. Unicorns aren’t fucking real. I have no idea how such a search string would have led you here, but let me tell you once and for all, there are no unicorns here.

Okay, well, there was the one time we strapped a carrot to Mitch’s forehead, slapped him on the ass and called him Buttercup, but I hardly think that counts.

Megatron Taking a Shower

I am utterly baffled by how many of you want to see the Decepticon/Predacon leader stripping down to his wires and enjoying a nice hot soak after a hard day’s work of being an evil bastard.

I understand that different tastes make the word go round, but when I tell people I like trans porn, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind. I mean, sure, he’s a man-bot with authority and a voice like spun gold. I can see how the robosexuals out there would be seduced by his charms.

Now, in my final Mainframe article, I did say that in Beast Machines ol’ Megatron looked like he was wearing a shower curtain. But the shower scene doesn’t work for Megatron. He is a robot. An electronical person. If you put a robot in the shower, chances are by the time you come back your bathroom will be full of scorch marks and reek of ozone.

Maybe you guys just like creative suicides. Who knows.

Santa Sex

What the hell is wrong with you kids? I’m serious. I know it’s Christmas, but damn. “Santa sex” itself was never a search term used to find us, but we’ve had so many variations on it I really want to know what the attraction is to seeing a jolly old elf get plowed. The simple explanation for this is that Google is picking up on the title of my review of the Trailer Park Boys Christmas special, Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself. But serious, no-shit Santa porn searches STILL crop up every day.

Searches have included:

  • Fucked by Santa Claus
  • Two Old Santas Fucking
  • Santa Claus Getting Fucked
  • Santa Fucks a Snowman
  • Santa Fucks Boys

No, seriously. All of these are real. And now that we’ve written an article listing them all, we’re gonna get hits from people who want to see Santa Claus fucking Fidel Castro in hell.

Pugs

Not really weird, not sure why it leads here, but not really weird either. It’s on this list because fuck pugs. Get a real dog.

So, here’s a picture of a pug just to shut you all up. Look, it even looks like a unicorn. Happy?

kd lang

Believe it or not, kids, this is not Hideo Kojima. No, sir. This is kd lang.

kd lang is a Canadian singer of pop and country tunes. She’s a lesbian. She’s also a Vegan Buddhist who campaigns for animal rights. I don’t like her. Her music bores me and her activism and spirituality make me roll my eyes. To my knowledge, we’ve never mentioned her on this site. If you searched for kd lang and somehow ended up here, you need to have your internet taken away.

Baseball Cap Horny

So, it seems that somewhere out there, there is a population of baseball caps with voracious sexual appetites. They travel from house to house in a swarm, mating with any other hats they can find. Bowlers, fedoras, top hats, beanies, Stetsons, NOTHING IS SAFE! Unless you want your hat impregnated with the seed of these horny baseball caps make sure your doors and windows are sealed tight.

Or maybe baseball caps make you horny? Oh yeah, oh yeah look at that big fuckin’ bill. Mmmm yes….turn that shit sideways…oooh…that’s the spot baby….mmm..bring it up to the camera…..LET ME SMELL THAT NASCAR FAN DANDRUFF….

osjhfg

Sex Strange and Wondrous

I’m including this one simply because it cracked me up. It’s just so……high brow for a porn search. This is how Frasier Crane would look for porn. I’m glad we attract such a discerning clientele.

“Niles, where we’re going, we don’t need roads! For this is an internet voyage in search of sex both strange and wondrous!”

300 Sex Position in HD

THIS! IS! MISSIONARY!!!!!! *kick*

Gir Pet Sex

I don’t know what “Gir” means, but I do know what pet sex means. While Brazil’s largest entertainment export is all well and good, Matt says I can’t post pictures here.

Peter Griffin Hairy Porn

WHY?

Go Fuck Yourself With a Candy Cane

I’m not speaking from experience here (for once), but common sense dictates that this is a bad idea. Not only would this be an even sticker mess than usual, but you know how if you suck on the candy cane too long without rotating it, it becomes sharp and pointy? And you can cut your tongue? Yeah, now imagine that happening in your sex-hole.

Though I am curious about the potential for a minty tingle.

Video Total Drama Island Sex Parody

You know, as horrified as this makes me, it probably exists.

Oh, yeah, Bridgette. Work that business.

Anal Asian

TONY, GET OFF THE GOOGLES!

Vacuum Seeled Porn

GOD DAMMIT, INTERNET! This porn is three days old! Look, it’s gone stale! You need to keep these things covered, or in a cool place! It’s all crusty around the edges! I refuse to accept this. I demand my porn be kept fresh! Vacuum seal that fucker.

Oh, and this better be organic porn. I won’t watch any of that genetically modified stuff.

Random Assault Movie

WHO TOLD YOU?

Assassin Cred Porn

Think wholesome thoughts, ladies and gents.

Since all assassins are pedophilic milk-drinking Frenchmen with a space queen fetish, I can only assume that the porn required to prove your assassin cred is illegal in most countries. I’m not touching this one.

No sir.

Not one little bit.

Rapelay

This one isn’t weird or unusual exactly, except for how many of you searched for it and found this very site instead. I’m gonna guess that most of you aren’t sexual predators in the making and are just searching for it out of morbid curiousity or for teh lulz.

But kids, rape is a serious, despicable crime, and remember, I don’t want to see any of my RAPists become rapists. Keep your stick on the ice.

Hulk Holding Boobs

What the fuck? Why in the hell would anyone search for that? I can’t imagine what kind of website full of depraved sickos would host such an ima—

Oh wait.

We do have that.

Here ya go.

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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2 Responses to Weird Search String Roundup: January 2012

  1. Best idea I ever gave you!!!

    I can explain a few of them… I think/hope:

    1 – KD LANG- I tear into this bitch in my “top ten worst most christmas ruining shit wreaths of music christmas songs
    https://randomassaultpodcast.wordpress.com/2011/12/22/top-ten-worst-most-christmas-ruining-shit-wreaths-of-music-christmas-songs/
    for her HORRIBLE version of Jingle Bell Rock.

    2 – Vacuum-sealed porn was mentioned (and therefore probably on the landing page) of Ep.028. When I traumatized Mela into watching it on air.

    3 – Rapelay – I DO believe in one of the early episodes we talked about the DS and I made and image of it playing Rapelay with the title “RapelayDS”

    …that’s all I got.

    • Kate says:

      Ah ha! All becomes clear. Also, the Culture Police have informed me that I am wrong about kd lang and that she is a national treasure.

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