Weird Search String Roundup: February 2012

Hey, kids! It’s that time again. Another month, another look into your horrifying internet habits.

In the immortal words of Charles Martinet, let’s-a go!

“Clone a Willy” Kelowna

It would seem that a local yokel would like to clone his or her willy. Whether it’s a gift for that special someone, an ego boost, or wanting to literally go fuck yourself, clone a willy kits are about the worst thing since sliced foreskin. The point of a dildo, my friends, is for fun and fantasy. Shapes and sizes you or your partner cannot provide. If it’s for yourself, you already have that exact same dick for free. If it’s for someone else, chances are if you’re intimate enough to give such a gift, you’re intimate enough to fuck them yourself.

However, my fellow Kelowna perverts, if you need help selecting adult novelties, I’d be happy to oblige.

Knuckles Fuck You

While this could be some idiot’s attempt to find fisting porn, if this is a furry lusting after Knuckles the Eckidona, that’s probably the worst idea in the history of ever. Look at those fucking spikes. Wouldn’t that hurt?

How Do You Have Sex in Your Ass

You would think such a proposition would be self-explanatory, but fear not, lonely pervert #34546, for I have written a guide specifically for people like you.

You can find it here

There was a second search “how to have sex on your ass”, which I’m pretty sure requires the use of a portal gun.

Loli Assault

Please, internet, stop giving Mitch ideas.

Panty Fun Show

Whoever searched this, are you by chance Japanese? Were you tired of all those panty srs bsns shows?

Well, I aim to please, internet, but you’ll have to make do with a Google image search reuslt.

The last time I tried to put on a panty fun show of my own, it involved a Wii remote, a pair of sneakers, and a 9-volt battery, and in the end, I was placed on a no-fly list.

People Getting Fucked in Total Drama Island

Goddammit, you guys. Again?

Sex Position Random

I’m just imagining someone writing down various sex positions and choosing them out of one of those lottery ball dispenser thingies.

“Uh, oh honey, looks like it’s the Brazzers ball again.”

How to Have Fun Ass Sex

Is this fun-ass sex or fun ass-sex? Think carefully; this could make all the difference.

If the bedroom life is getting a little stale, try fucking yourself in the face with a clown shoe. Trust me, it’ll be hilarious.

Random Pretty Old Woman

I’ve thought about this one for many many hours, but I just can’t seem to figure out a legitimate reason for anyone to search for this. If they just needed a stock photo of an old woman, they would have just typed “old woman”. If they were harvesting granny porn, why wouldn’t they be a titch more specific in what they’re after? I don’t get it.

Things that Make Ass Slippery

Sigh. I’ll answer this one last time.

Personal lubricant, Vaseline, Crisco, hand lotion, moisturizer, shampoo, butter, canola oil, bacon grease, diarrhea, motor oil, WD-40, the blood of a newborn foal, alien drool, drain cleaner, being horny. Happy? Search no more.

Fuck.

Michael Madsen Assault

You know what internet? I like the way you think. Fuck the games, the movies, the community service, sex stories, and most of all Mitch.

From now on, this podcast is all about Michael Madsen. Every goddamn week. We’ll all wear wife-beaters and smoke cigarettes and have a pointless cameo in the final season of 24, and fuck me it will be awesome.

Good Sex Positions Shower

We’ve been over this. Your fat ass means there are no good sex positions in the shower.

Cal of Duti

This search right here confirms everything I’ve ever stereotyped the COD multiplayer fanbase to be. Drooling morons who can barely breathe by themselves, let alone spell the name of their favourite pastime properly.

Call of Duty, motherfuckers. It ain’t hard.

Maybe this is a spinoff? Starring some surfer brah named Cal? Naw. Now Kenan and Kel of Duty, THAT is a surefire hit.

Japan Fuck Ivy

I know we all want to see a Japanese man penetrate Poison Ivy with his pixelated, 8-bit dick, but this is not what that search is about. No, it’s trying to tell us something. To warn us.

Japanese Fuck Ivy, created in a secret lab near Osaka, has escaped and is now at large. It is a sentient, evil plant, bent on working its vines into any unguarded orifice. Or, as it’s known in the Land of the Rising Sun, Tuesday.

Braveheart Planets Battle Moon

I know this search is born of misspelling the name of Shadow Raiders’ leading man, but damn, I would love to see a whole planet of Mel Gisbons waging war against the moon from Majora’s Mask. Fuck yeah.

Why are Canadian Cartoons So Bad

Oh come now, there’s some good ones, and some bad ones, just like any other medium.

Worst Sex Positions for a Bad Back

Soul Calibur Tits Fuck

A tale of implants and pork swords, eternally retold…

Getting Used to Something in Your Ass

You guys really seem to be on an anal binge this month. Me gusta. But remember, not everyone who searches these things is having anal intercourse. Could be something got irretrievably lost, and instead of the embarrassment of a hospital visit, they’re just decided to live with it. Much like Christopher Walken and a certain watch..

How to Move Ur Ass When Having Sex

If you can’t figure this one out on your own, you shouldn’t be allowed to breed.

Show Me Random Pics of Girls Showing Their Panties

I like that this guy doesn’t so much type in a search as he commands Google to go out and fetch him the finest smut in all the land.

I’m Feeling Lucky, Number One. Engage!

Very Hot Horny Megatron

Okay, you guys are trying to troll me on purpose now. This has to be a joke. No way, no fucking way does anyone search for that with a straight face. No.

I mean, how does this scenario play out? After a hard day of fighting the Autobots, Megatron comes home, makes himself a nice bubble oil-bath, maybe with some incense and Michell Branch. And ever so slowly, his loofah makes it way down to his uh….charge cable…

“Yess….”

Jesus With a Guitar

That’s actually kind of hilarious for some reason. I approve this search. I like to imagine that just out of frame, Tenacious D has challenged him to a rock battle.

But do keep this quiet; if Activision gets wind of this we’re gonna get Guitar Hero: Rocks the Clergy in six months.

Big Lemon Pic

Oh, leave me alone.

Big Boobs RA

Well, gawrsh. I know my cleavage is getting pretty good, boys and girls but you don’t have to googles them. Just call me. We’ll hook up. Promise.

“Super Nintendo” Console

Super Nintedo? In quotation marks. Like perhaps this “Super Nintendo” isn’t really all that super, and shit, it might not even be a Nintendo at all. I can only imagine this was searched for by some hapless local news affiliate who has to hammer out a story on violent video games in the next fifteen minutes and the last thing any of them remember their kids playing was the good ol’ purple n’ grey.

*pours fine wine*

Ah, yes, Jeeves, what is this “Super Nintendo” those young rapscallions are playing with these days……

Furry Porn

Srs? Why did that lead you here?Someone help me out here.

I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again. Furries make no sense to me. Just skip being a furry and get into bestiality. Maybe I’m just misunderstanding the fandom here, and maybe being trans & bi I shouldn’t even talk down to people about sexual mores, but I honestly would find it less weird if you just let your dog give it to you.

If you really wanna fuck an animal that bad, just go out and do it, guys! You don’t need the fursuits, CSI episodes and disturbing yet sexy deviantART pages. Do it for reelz, kids. Live life to the fullest.

That’s all anyone can ask of you.

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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