It’s now been a year since the son of the Handheld Gods, the Nintendo 3DS, hit store shelves in these glorious United States. How did it take me this long to get one? Well, games are expensive, and systems are expensiver. Also I’m poor. But that will happen when you continuously buy entire boxes of Pokemon Trading Card Game booster packs.
However, I too finally have the magical little system in my possession, after a tear-filled goodbye with my black DS lite. (Seriously, the Gamestop cashier warned me she’d have to call security if I didn’t stop nearly clawing over the counter in order to hug my beloved handheld one final time.)
It was a worthy sacrifice. Even though my DS lite put in a good near-four years of service, and was present for such important life events as my college graduation and losing my virginity, (seriously, you’d think Animal Crossing wouldn’t take your concentration away from thrusting, but you’d also be wrong), my new Flame Red 3DS has filled the void in my heart, and then some.
The sleek, sexy handheld feels very similar to the original “fat” (or, as I like to put it, “Big Beautiful Handheld” DS in my hands. I never found playing with the system too uncomfortable, despite my gorilla-hands. (Seriously, if that “your hand is bigger than your face” thing is true, I have all the cancer.) One of my favorite new things is the stylus, which is now retractable. It features a sexy chrome coating and is very nice to hold, probably a little thicker than the stylus of the DS lite. (Much more appealing than the toothpick that came with the original DS.) The only fault I could find is that the Gods at Nintendo put the stylus holster on the top of the device, on the left side, whereas the stylus placing on the DS lite (side of the device, on the right side), was optimal. It’s a small gripe, really.
The system comes with a new “charging cradle” which makes my desk look sexier than sliced sex when the 3DS is placed upon it. Of course, the cradle is entirely optional, and you can always unplug the AC adapter for on-the-go charging if the need arises. Be prepared to use either of these if you use the handheld a lot (and you WILL be using it a lot), or if you always play with the 3D cranked up.
So, the main event: the 3D screen. Nintendo evidently put a few extra quarts of Unicorn Semen™ and leprechaun pubes into this little concoction, as the screen indeed is as good as the rumors say. Sure, you have to keep looking at the screen straight on, as any slight difference in the angle can and will mess up the effect, but dammit, you need to take what you can get! Nintendo no doubt had to slay a dozen wizards in order to get this to work, and do you know how hard it is to find them this time of the millennium? There are children in Africa who would like to have wizard-guts!
Of course, if you ARE an ungrateful bastard, you can always turn the 3D slider down or off if you so choose. The one benefit to this is that it does conserve battery power, and maybe bumps up the frame rate/graphics of your given game. And it goes without saying that the 3D effect doesn’t carry on to normal DS games, because Nintendo needs to save SOME of their mermaid clits to create the totally-not-going-to-fail-in-any-way-whatsoever WiiU.
The 3D isn’t just a gimmick, either. Proof of this is that the game I got with the system is none other than The Greatest Game Ever Created Ever, “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D”, which is a remake of a game that wasn’t created with 3D technology in mind, and yet looks amazing with the slider turned up. After walking onto Hyrule Field for the first time with full 3D on, I changed my pants and then vomited a couple rainbows.
The 3DS has a few fun features included on the system, as well. Face Raiders lets you take a picture of your noggin and then the system turns it into a propeller-headed homunculus that you blast down with the system’s camera. The system also includes a pack of AR cards that allow you to play some pretty fun Augmented Reality games that in no way will ever be forgotten. Two other cool features of the camera is that you can use the camera to auto-generate a face for your Mii (I didn’t know I had such a generic face until Nintendo told me!), and you can use the two cameras on the outside of the system to shoot 3D pictures. (And yes, my penis is still so big in a 3D image that it still poked me in the eye when I looked at it.)
The Nintendo eShop is also there to allow you access to various downloadable software, including a ton of DSiWare titles, and the new Virtual Console includes Game Boy titles, Game Gear titles, and 3D versions of some NES games. Unfortunately, I obviously didn’t get in the Ambassador program (a fault I’m still flaying myself over), so I can’t tell you how good the various Game Boy Advance titles look. However, the Game Boy titles look just fine, and there’s even an option to not only switch to a green-tinted screen much like the oh-so-holy original grey brick, but you can also play the game with a border OF said brick, in the game’s original aspect ratio, with a cool little 3D effect exclusive to that border that lets it look like the screen is ever-so-slightly behind the border, like the original Game Boy’s screen.
Unlike the Wii Shop, the eShop allows you to download various demos of actual retail 3DS titles, with a use cap. So, if you want to see how bad our patron Mario whoops that blue embarrassment Sonic in London this year, you can do just that. The eShop lacks a little organization, which is something I’m sure Nintendo will alleviate with a system update any day now. They’re usually so quick to fix these things.
Finally, the Friends List has been simplified, probably for the better. You now have one Friend Code which you can trade with others easily, and that sticks with various online games as well. (It’s a shame that I won’t be able to fill up this 1000-page notebook that I bought specifically to write down friend codes for each game… ah well.) The system also notifies you when a friend comes online, and you can even join the game they’re in if they’re currently searching for players. Not to badmouth the untouchable Nintendo, but it seems that they are starting to catch up with the online offerings of the villainous Sony and the corrupt Microsoft. Just hope they don’t go down the path of evil like those two scum companies because of it.
The 3DS is completely revolutionary, breaking the mold for handhelds. It’s a visual stunner (with graphics rivaling that of the PS2!!), has some great 3D technology that’s sure to impress, and now the system finally has a top-tier software lineup, ever since Nintendo came in to show the third-parties how it’s done, with completely original games like “Ocarina of Time 3D”, “StarFox 64”, and “Mario Kart 7”. It’s just like the commercials originally said: it’s a game-changer. (Oh, and way to steal that tagline for your piece-of-shit, rip-off “dual-touch-screen” PS Vita, Sony. Hashtags won’t save you.)