Awful Achievements & Tasteless Trophies

 Growing up as a guy who loved the arcade, beating someone’s high score felt great. It may not have meant much to others but you knew you had accomplished something that day. These days we have Achievements and Trophies (on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 respectively), rewarding the player for pulling off a feat that would normally be challenging. Ranging from finishing your training to completing the game on the hardest difficulty (to god knows what) you can rack these up per game and brag to your friends about them.

Me? Not so much. I don’t HATE Achievements/Trophies, I just move on like a lot of other gamers. But there are a few of these that catch my eye. Some are so bad I question who thought THIS was a challenge. Some are really challenging but give you barely any gamer-points. Some may be as cryptic as fuck, leaving you to go online to figure out how the fuck it is done.

Here are a few of the Achievements/Trophies that I frowned at.

WARNING!!!!!!

Lots of spoilers, so skip past one if you don’t want it ruined for you.

The Simpsons

Achievement: Press START to play

Starting with an obvious one here. And yes, that’s ALL you have to do. When ‘Press Start’ shows up you press start. If this was meant as a joke than fine, but this is like saying “Oh, thank you for buying this game”. I didn’t find it funny when I saw it, and I’m not laughing now. This is the easiest Achievement/Trophy to get in ANY game so far. Not fucking worth it.

Really? REALLY?!

Sega Mega Drive Collection

Achievement: Communication is key

A bit harder than The Simpsons one……and by harder you GO RIGHT once the game begins and talk to a dolphin! Ecco is a great game but I’m sure they could have thought up a better way of getting 10G.

Achievement: Taste like tuna

I swear I’m not picking on Ecco, but in Ecco 2 if you eat 200 fish you get an achievement. Right at the beginning of the game you can swim into schools of them, wait for new ones, rinse repeat. Not sure what the point was and still shocked people had trouble with this one.

Game Room

Achievement: Show me!

Game Room on Xbox live has an arcade filled with old school games. It has avatars walking around, playing arcade games, beating high scores online (oh, the irony). Wait. What’s that noise? It’s an achievement for looking around. Really? It would be more of a challenge NOT getting this achievement!

Dead Space

There’s always PENG!

I love the Dead Space series. When I hear about this Achievement/Trophy that love dies. There’s an actual trophy in the game called Peng. Just pick it up with the gravity gun and the points are yours. The downside? Finding this fucker! I nearly punched the fucking wall when I saw where this was. I know this article has spoilers but this is one I’m not touching.And no, it’s not obvious.

*Shakes fist*

Fight Night Round 4

Achievement: You’re in the game!

This one is personal. FNR4 is one of the few games with facial recognition, putting you in the game. I made myself using the standard settings. A few days later I got the camera (dead cheap) and tried it out. My first character looked more like me! Not saying the other one looked horrible, just bad. Topped off with an Achievement that I barely deserved…..or cared for.

Heavy Weapon

Achievement: Cockroach of freedom!

To get this Achievement you must survive 8 minutes without dying in survival. If there is more than 1 person it’s ok for them to die and you continue, if you’re all dead on the screen at the same time the game is over. It doesn’t matter what 8 minutes as long as it’s 8. This pissed me off because people would survive the 8; get the Achievement….THEN QUIT! The amount of times I was a few seconds away from getting this and died pissed me off, knowing that if someone else was there I would have got this.

Oh yeah, I DID get it (AHHHHHHHHHHHH SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT!)

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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