Fifty Shades of Stupid Ideas Part 1

Right about now, the funk soul brother everyone with mammary glands, myself included, has been reading the fanfic-turned-fistfuck Fifty Shades trilogy. Well, at least the first one. Am I the only one who actually went ahead with the second book?

ANYWAY, it seems to have led to a lot of people looking into being tied up, spanked and thoroughly rogered.

And that’s great. I’m all for folks besides Missy Elliot wanting to get their freaks on and try new things. A distressing, facepalm-inducing trend I’ve noticed is that a lot of these people have no idea what they’re doing. Like, at all.

Bondage play and in particular pain requires you to do some research and take it slow, or else you’re going to hurt yourself. I know that sounds a little silly, but if you hit too hard in the wrong place you can cause some serious internal damage.

It’s not Fifty Shades’ fault either. The book does a reasonably good job of explaining about safewords, the dominant partner having to learn how to do what they do safely, and how the submissive is the one who actually holds all the power. But hey, since when has the general public ever cared about accuracy?

It’s gotten to the point where my online sex toy retailer of choice has had to put a huge fuckoff banner along the top of the page pleading shoppers who have developed an interest in BDSM through Fifty to read up on some safety measures first.

Let’s dispel some myths about Fifty itself here. While its content might seem extreme or edgy to some, or perfect fap material for others, it’s actually fairly light kink. While heavier play is discussed, thus far it’s all been reasonably tame, some restraints, light flogging and/or spanking, small toys. Pain isn’t really for me, but I’m friends with plenty of kinksters and this stuff isn’t exactly out there.

But some of the fun kink has to offer hurts. A lot. Unless you know you like pain don’t just dive right in until you slowly feel out where your limits are. Some people like the endorphin rush, the interplay of pain and pleasure. Other people don’t appreciate a sore bum. Know what you are getting into.

On the other end of the spectrum we have people who are buying a pair of handcuffs just to be one of the cool kids. Never did I think I’d see kink posers. They are the pervert equivalent of My Chemical Romance’s audience going on about how hardcore they are.

It’s great that people are opening up to try new things, and it’s good for the BDSM community in a way, that their fetish is what’s currently hot in the public consciousness. But this is easily ruined by uneducated people who don’t know what they’re doing. Just be safe and know your shit or don’t play at all.

Now that we’ve had our PSA, has prepared a list of the 50 best kinky sex ideas. Let’s take a look, shall we?

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #1:

Make out on a rooftop or under the stars late at night. This might make you feel all kinds of emotions the next morning.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I’m sorry, are you 12 years old? How is this kink, by any measure? I mean, it might be breaking and entering if it’s not your roof, but the making out under the stars? Are you waiting for Tuxedo Mask to come sweep you off your feet? BECAUSE I AM TOTALLY NOT I SWEAR. Kinky my ass. The only way this could ever be a kinky sex idea is if you were raised by Mormons. In the woods. On top of a mountain. In a plastic bubble

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #2:

Bring food into bed. Nothing beats can cream or chocolate!

Okay, a little better. I’ve done the whipped cream thing myself. If that tickles your fancy it can be pretty sensual, provided you don’t mind sticky sheets. I only succeeded in annoying my girlfriend because the cream was too cold and I am an asshole apparently.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #3:

Kissing in the Rain, There is nothing more romantic and sexy than kissing in the rain and being able to tell the story to all your friends.

Really? This again? I think if I told that story to my friends they would ask me why I didn’t bring an umbrella. Does this make Spider-Man a kinky deviant? Swinging around New York looking for his next depraved act? What next, kissing when it’s sunny? OH MY FUCKING GOD.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #4:

Have sex with a large mirror next to your bed or on the ceiling so you can both watch you and your partner having sex

I think Matt has one of these to watch himself masturbate. For me, and for many people, being forced to look at our own hideous carcasses locked in a sweaty, terrifying embrace will deflate one’s boner faster than you can say Hindensperm.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #5:

Grind and fumble with each other or strangers while clubbing, having a few drink might ease the mood.

Well…I guess that’s annoying but not terribly kinky. No one likes to look at a couple of drunken fools groping each other, and that’s if they notice or care at all. Groping strangers will end with either a restraining order or community service. Though, I suppose if you groped the wrong person and they beat you to death it could, in theory, hurt so good.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #6:

Watch porn while having sex and turn up the volume for some dirty background sounds to turn you both on, the louder the background sounds the louder the both of you can be.

Well, that depends. Most men are not going to last as long as their porno counterpart, and that’s just embarrassing. And, as I’ve said in an earlier article, they need to stop making noises. If you’re okay with that, basically it comes down to how much you want to piss your neighbours off. A couple years back a UK woman was charged with disturbing the peace for being too much of a screamer. Make of that what you will.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #7:

Role play with each other by dressing as characters, animals or as people in your every day lives.

Well, okay. I don’t do roleplay well because I get the giggles, but fair enough. I mean, it’s one oftthe first entries that actually might be a bit ki–WAIT A SECOND.

dressing as characters, animals or as people in your every day lives.

Oh, my lord. THE FURRIES ARE HERE! A fucking fursona is one thing, but roleplaying as people you know in real life? What the hell? Oh baby, yeah, dress up as that fat fuck who rounds up all the stray carts in the grocery store parking lot mmm yeah.


BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #8:

Flash at the public, or get her to wear no underwear..

Going commando is all well and good, flashing the public will get you charged with indecent exposure. Unless you live in a nudist colony. In which case, what’s the point?

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #9:

Have a naughty double date at home, wine and dine.

OH MY GOD DINNER AND WINE HOW PERVERSE. I’m not sure if the moron who wrote this is suggesting a foursome, because if so, AWESOME, or if the mere idea of a double date is titillating to this repressed, sad little man. Named Johnny Love. No, that’s not a joke.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #10:

Take off on a sexy holiday with another couple, who knows what might happen.

You get mugged in a back alley in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language and get stranded there and have to make an epic journey home with several comedic misunderstandings? What exactly does a sexy holiday entail? Like going to Paris and being all romantic? Or showing up naked in Luxembourg for the hell of it?

The more I read this list the more frightened I am of its author’s pathetic, sexless existence, ejaculating into his pants as he makes out with his anime body pillow at night on a rooftop in the rain with no underpants.

Well, that wraps up Monday’s entry, check back tomorrow for part 2! (Yes, really. I promise.)

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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3 Responses to Fifty Shades of Stupid Ideas Part 1

  1. Adyson says:

    Tuxedo Mask, is great for cosplay, but Tony Stark… Now thats another story…

  2. tokengirlstfu says:

    *applause* This is great. I hate those stupid lists.

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