Fifty Shades of Stupid Ideas Part 2

Have fun yesterday, testing out all of your new kinky love-making tips? I hope you’ve all made out in the rain while roleplaying as your next door neighbor. We’re back today with another ten kinky sex ideas that don’t usually involve sex and aren’t very kinky at all. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #11:

Skinny dip late at night with each other and maybe take a few friends to dip with you.

Skinny dipping can be fun. I do it every time I take a bath. Still, where is the kink? Most people wind up going skinny dipping because they enjoy it or because they are drunk, not because it’s arousing. Besides, YOU try maintaining an erection in ice-cold night-water.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #12:

Get mischievous on the beach with your partner.

Oh god, I hope this means knocking over sand castles and watching the children cry, stealing ice cream, peeing on the towels, and just plain having madcap adventure fun.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #13:

Kiss or have sex in a public place like a toilet or in a dark corner of a club or if you’re feeling very naughty in the office.

REALLY? Something that actually involves fucking? ADVENTUROUS FUCKING? Should I start to rekindle my hope? I mean, this could actually be fun, provided you don’t get caught. A bathroom might be a little grody though. I just keep picturing the toilet from Trainspotting. Hell, I’m sure I’ve contracted fifteen STIs just contemplating it.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas#14:

Book a couples’ sensual stimulating massage from the opposed sex.

I do not know what this sentence is trying to tell me. I mean, okay, you want to hire someone to jerk each of you off. Cool. But what the fuck is the opposed sex? Has everyone become a raging misogynist or misandrist since I last checked. I OPPOSE THESE TESTICLE CARRIERS! DOWN WIT THEM THEY ARE GROSS. MEN SHOULD HAVE THEIR OWN BATHRO–o wait.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #15:

Pick up a copy of the kamasutra and try the some of the kinky sex positions together which neither of you have done before.

Then, spend months undergoing physical therapy to regain the use of your limbs after you’ve torn your spinal cords! Also, the original article accompanies this point with a picture on a couple figure skating. Yes, folks, it’s Fucking!: On Ice.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #16:

Make a sex vid or take nudes of each other.

This is basically the same as the “look at yourselves in the mirror” point, only now there’s lasting evidence you can be blackmailed with later, or stumble upon on your hard drive months after the fact and fucking cringe.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #17:

Make out on someone else’s bed. Weird, awkward and oh-so-sexy as long as it isn’t your parents! That’s not cool!

Okay, Johnny Love. Do we actually have the same definition of “make out” here? This is high school stuff. How is making out on someone else’s bed weird and awkward? Is it because your hands are all sweaty in anticipation of mashing your lips onto another person’s face for the first time? Is it because you’re shy and embarrassed? Is it because you are unable to feel affection? Is it because another guy might see you and that would be gay? I am now fully convinced that despite looking like Lucius Malfoy, this list was written by an adolescent virgin. EW MAN PARENTS AREN’T COOL. I’M FUCKING THIRTEEN AND I DON’T NEED ANYBODY.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #18:

Have kinky sex with each other while someone’s watching or watch others having sex.

Okay, I’ll give you this one. Voyeurism can be kinky fun. However, I am no longer allowed at these things because of the time I scooched my chair right up to the edge of the bed and attempted to assist the man by screaming advice at him in my best Meredith Burgess voice.

YOU’RE A BUM, COCK!

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #19:

Shower together and play with the hand shower or candle it up and have soapy sex in the bathroom.

And how, pray tell, are you gonna keep a candle lit in the fucking shower? I mean, fuck writing retarded sex lists, if you can do that you are a fucking sorcerer. It’s pretty clear Mr Love never actually tested this one out, I can tell you from my own shower masturbation mishaps soap getting into an inside hole FUCKING BURNS LIKE FOURTEEN HELLS.

BEST Kinky Sex Ideas #20:

Have naughty sex with another couple in bed with both of you.

Okay, so like….the other couple is having naughty sex with you, or are you and your partner just having sex and annoying everyone else. I’m picturing two people humping frantically while an elderly, bespectacled couple quietly reads their books by soft lamplight, tilting their heads to see the page when someone’s scrotum gets in the way.

Well, that wraps it up for today. Come on back tomorrow for entries #21-30 and we’ll see if Johnny Love can come up with something beyond the fantasies of a Forever Alone fourteen year old.

 

 

About Random Assault

Random Assault is a collabaration of nerds who get together every Sunday to talk about whatever they want on their show Random Assault Podcast. What makes us unique is that we bring on guests from all walks of life who are just as passonate about entertainment as we are, guests including you! Just drop us a line and we'll put you on the list of guests, it's that easy!
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